


I'll Be There Every Time You Crash

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of death of a child, Vague descriptions of violence, mentions of child abuse, mentions of domestic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 19:15:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13841247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: “I’m not hiding, Carisi. I’m doing my job, just like you.”“Yeah but--““But what?” Rafael snapped, turning to face Sonny properly. “But, I’m your partner? But, I’m here for you? But, I love you?”“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing,” Sonny said with a quiet laugh, aiming for teasing. He ducked his head a little to catch Rafael’s eyes as he lowered them. “All those things, yes. But also, we don’t always have to be Carisi and Barba.”“No? Who else would we be?” Rafael asked, voice wavering just slightly before he lifted his gaze again, all steel.“Sonny and Rafael.”





	I'll Be There Every Time You Crash

**Author's Note:**

> Work inspired by [Castle by Slum Sociable](https://youtu.be/-0WJRyceCjk)
> 
> Thanks to my anonymous beta :)

Sonny could hear Rafael’s unsteady breathing, even over the bustle of the squad room. In, out. In, out, mechanical and forced. He watched as Rafael’s hand curled into a fist by his side, clenching and unclenching. He watched Rafael’s jaw work, his Adam's apple bob up and down.

 

Sonny watched, and he listened. His fingers itched to reach out, to touch, to reassure, but he could feel the tension, thick and steady between them. He knew that one wrong move would send Rafael over the edge.

 

He’d stopped listening to their perp once he’d noticed Rafael’s chest heave. He’d stopped listening and started focussing on his partner. He was sure Rafael wasn’t really listening either.

 

A fist slammed down on the metal table inside the interview room, causing both Rafael and Sonny to jump, the spell was broken.

 

Rafael took a sharp breath in and turned just as Fin and Amanda opened the door to the interview.

 

“Raf,” Sonny called, glancing at Fin and Amanda before following Rafael to the elevator. “Raf.”

 

“Don’t you have a job to do, Detective?”

 

Rafael’s tone was calm indifference, bordering on icy, but the slight tremor in his voice gave him away. Sonny’s stomach swooped at the twitch in Rafael’s jaw as he tried to better compose himself.

 

“You don’t have to hide from me,” he whispered, stepping into the elevator with Rafael.

 

“I’m not  _ hiding _ , Carisi. I’m doing my job, just like you.”

 

“Yeah but--“

 

“But what?” Rafael snapped, turning to face Sonny properly. “But, I’m your partner? But, I’m here for you? But, I love you?”

 

“You make it sound like it’s a bad thing,” Sonny said with a quiet laugh, aiming for teasing. He ducked his head a little to catch Rafael’s eyes as he lowered them. “All those things, yes. But also, we don’t always have to be Carisi and Barba.”

 

“No? Who else would we be?” Rafael asked, voice wavering just slightly before he lifted his gaze again, all steel.

 

“Sonny and Rafael.”

 

Rafael laughed, a cold and bitter thing, before he shook his head, pushing his way out of the elevator. “Is there a difference?”

 

He walked away before Sonny could say another word, stepping out into the cool fall air, fist still clenched in his pocket.

 

—

 

“So what you’re saying is you’ve got nothing,” Rafael bit out through his teeth, fist coming down lightly on the table.

 

“We’ve...got no proof.”

 

“How? Did you botch the evidence? How do you not have enough? How is this all we have?”

 

Sonny took a deep breath in, glancing over at Fin who was still stood by the door, before he took a small, hesitant step closer to Rafael.

 

“Rafael--“

 

“No.” Sonny watched Rafael swallow and take a deep breath in before meeting Sonny’s eyes. “You get the son of a bitch, and I don’t care how you do it.”

 

“Raf, it’s all--“

 

“Circumstantial, I know.”

 

Sonny felt himself reach out in an attempt to close the distance between them at the waver in Rafael’s voice. He felt his heart break, but when Rafael flinched away from him, Sonny felt himself flinch back, a full body retract, his heart hammering in his chest.

 

“Get me something concrete,” Rafael ground out, slowly taking his seat behind his desk, shuffling his papers.

 

It was a clear dismissal, and yet he was reluctant to move. He hadn’t seen Rafael since the day they interrogated Jason White. He’d tried, but the prosecutor had always evaded his attempts of drinks or dinner or movies with excuses about work obligations, or his mother, and Sonny was never the confrontational type.

 

“Evidence won’t materialise out of thin air, Detectives,” Rafael said, not bothering to look up from the papers that Sonny was sure he wasn’t actually looking at.

 

“C’mon Carisi,” Fin suggested quietly, patiently waiting for Sonny to follow.

 

He felt as though he left a piece of his heart in Rafael’s office as he walked away, silently trailing Fin through the halls of One Hogan Place and out to their parked car.

 

“Forget it, man,” Fin suggested as he turned the ignition on.

 

“He’s hurting and I can’t reach him,” Sonny whispered, voice trembling at the verbal admission. “I’m supposed to be there for him but I don’t know how.”

 

Fin sighed, turning the car off again before turning to face Sonny. He sounded fed up, but his eyes were soft and genuine, Sonny suddenly felt too exposed.

 

“Barba’s a closed book. You won’t get through to him.”

 

“Shouldn’t I be the one person he talks to about this stuff?” He knew he sounded desperate, but he didn’t really care.

 

“Sure, with a normal person. But Barba’s been closed for so long I don’t think he knows how to open up. You’re wasting your time.”

 

Sonny’s heart sank as he nodded, turning to face the road, a signal that the conversation was over. He didn’t -- couldn’t -- believe that he was wasting his time, that this was all they had. 

 

They had only been seeing each other officially for four months, things had been consistently light and easy and playful. He’d always imagined that, when the time came, they would be able to go to each other when things got hard. Sonny couldn’t help but see Barba’s unwillingness to talk as a dismissal of what they were, yet he couldn’t just give up. He was in too deep. He had been in too deep before they had gone on their first date. If he were being completely honest with himself, he had been in too deep from the moment he laid eyes on the sharply dressed man.

 

He heaved a sigh, his chest tight from the weight of Rafael’s unspoken pain, as they pulled up at the precinct.

 

He could give Rafael space -- that was fine. He just needed to know he wasn’t being shut out for good.

 

—

 

Sonny loved cooking. It took his mind off everything else that was going on around him. It was a way to unwind from work, deal with a bad breakup, and, apparently, forget that Rafael had been avoiding him for the duration of this case.

 

As soon as food was on the table, however, all his doubts and guilt and worry came flooding back to the surface.

 

“Earth to Sonny?” Amanda asked, face pinched with concern as she wiped spaghetti sauce from Jessie’s mouth.

 

“You say somethin’?”

 

“Nah, you’ve just been silent ever since you got here. You okay?”

 

“I was cooking. It takes focus.”

 

“Sure, but normally you talk so much over dinner I’m surprised you get any food in.”

 

Sonny glanced down at his empty plate and sighed, pushing it away so he could rest his elbows on the table in its place.

 

“Rafael’s ignoring me. Or avoiding me. Kinda feels like the same thing either way.”

 

“What’d you do?” She asked with a laugh, picking Jessie up out of her high-chair.

 

“Nothin’,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair.

 

“Sure, Barba’s ignoring you for no reason. I buy that.”

 

“This case,” Sonny started with a sigh, standing up to make his way over to Amanda and Jessie. “It’s got its hooks in him, ya know? But he won’t open up, won’t tell me what’s wrong. He’s just avoiding me.”

 

“Probably hits a little close to home,” she said with a shrug, handing Jessie over to Sonny’s outstretched arms.

 

“See, how do you know that and I don’t? I’m his boyfriend. I should know.”

 

“Nick told me,” she said softly, patting his arm before moving to collect their dishes. “Said Barba hated his dad, said there were implications.”

 

“Right,” Sonny breathed out, pausing in his dancing around in Jessie, which caused her to squirm.

 

“Down,” Jessie insisted, pushing against his chest to break free of his arms.

 

“Why can’t he just tell me that?” He asked, placing Jessie on the ground so she could run to Frannie in the living room.

 

“You know Barba,” she said with a slight shrug, returning from the kitchen with two glasses of wine and a bag of popcorn in hand. “He’s an enigma. He doesn’t let people get too close. He wears bright colours and treats the courtroom like a stage and no one gets to see the real him.”

 

“I thought I had,” he half whispered, taking one of the wine glasses from her as they sat down.

 

“Maybe bits of it,” she conceded with a sad smile, patting his leg before reaching for the remote. “I just don’t think he’s great with emotions.”

 

“Is anyone?”

 

Amanda snorted, turning to look at him, her grin slowly fading when she saw the look of desperation on his face.

 

“Sonny, you’ve just gotta let him work through this on his own. He’ll come back to you on the other side.”

 

“It hurts, Amanda. Seeing him in pain, it hurts. Hearing the way his voice shakes, seeing his jaw clench with the effort to hold it all in.” He could feel his own voice wavering, he looked away to avoid her eyes. “I wanna share the burden and he won’t let me.”

 

“Sounds like you’re taking more than your fair share of the burden,” she said lightly, bumping her knee against his.

 

He remained silent for what felt like ages, battling with what to say next. The TV flickering to life before his blurred vision caused him to jump, he turned to look at Amanda again.

 

“I wanna help him,” he said quietly, half pleasing for solutions she couldn’t offer.

 

“I know, honey. But I don’t think you can.”

 

“But--“

 

“If it hurts this much to be blocked out whenever he’s struggling with something, maybe you should quit while you’re ahead,” she offered hesitantly, eyes on Jessie as she played with Sonny.

 

“You’re saying I should break up with him ‘cause, what, he doesn’t know how to let me in yet?”

 

Amanda turned to look at him, the pity in her eyes made his heart pound painfully against his ribcage.

 

“I’m saying trust is important to you. This is important to you. This is eating you up far more than it should. If it hurts this much now, it’s gonna keep hurting every time.”

 

“We can work on it though, right?” He whispered, voice scratchy.

 

“I dunno,” she said with a shrug. “That’s up to you.”

 

Sonny took Amanda hitting play on their movie as a signal that she was done discussing this. He felt hollow as he stared at the screen before him, not really taking anything in. He sent off another text to Rafael, hoping he didn’t sound annoying or desperate.

 

_ Talk to me, please? _

 

—

 

“Book him,” Rafael bit out, hands trembling slightly as he muted the discussion happening in the interview room next to Olivia’s office.

 

Sonny could see the tension in his entire body, it made his own muscles ache. He could see the wetness at the edges of Rafael’s eyes, the way his fists clenched and unclenched by his sides as he stared at Liv.

 

Sonny felt instantly like he was witnessing something he shouldn’t. He knew a silent conversation when he saw one, his stomach twisted in knots at the thought that Olivia knew what was going through his boyfriend’s mind when he didn’t.

 

His eyes drifted back through the glass to Janelle White, who was clinging to a somewhat uncomfortable looking Amanda. Her bruised arms and face sent shivers down Sonny’s spine, he figured the image was all too familiar to Rafael.

 

“I’ll have him arraigned first thing tomorrow,” Rafael said, cutting through the heavy silence.

 

Before he knew what he was doing, Sonny felt himself reach out and grasp Rafael’s arm as he passed him.

 

They shared a weighted look and Sonny felt, for a moment, like he was going to cry when he saw the flicker of open emotion on Rafael’s face. But as quickly as it came, it was gone, and he was yanking himself out of Sonny’s grip and stalking towards the door.

 

“Raf--“

 

He was cut off by the slam as it echoed in the silence of Liv’s office, rattling the air around him. He felt his whole body sag as he ran a shaky hand through his hair.

 

“He’ll be okay,” Liv offered gently. Sonny couldn’t bring himself to look at her.

 

“Yeah, I know,” he whispered hoarsely.

 

“This one just--“

 

“Hits him too close to home,” he cut her off with a bitter laugh. “I know. I just wish  _ he’d _ tell me that.”

 

“Rafael’s not one for sharing.”

 

“And yet everyone knows more about him than me.”

 

“We’ve known him longer, too,” she said with a small laugh, touching his arm lightly.

 

He sighed, meeting her eyes with his own, and forced a smile on his face.

 

“Yeah. I know.”

 

“He doesn’t like to show people he’s human.”

 

“Not like I don’t already know.”

 

Liv laughed, shaking her head. “I never said he was rational.”

 

“He tells you things, though.” Sonny knew he sounded needy by this point, but he couldn’t hold it back. He loved this stupid, stubborn man, and it hurt that he wasn’t trusted.

 

“It’s not about trust,” she said softly, as though reading his mind. “It’s about feeling weak.”

 

“But--“

 

“I know. And deep down, he knows too. But it’s hard to shake something that’s instilled from birth.”

 

“How do I get him to open up to me?”

 

“I don’t know that you can,” she said with a sad smile. “Not if you’re unwilling to wait potentially years.”

 

Sonny sighed, rubbing a hand over his face before offering her a tight smile.

 

“I’ll wait forever if I have to,” he whispered, the words barely making it past the lump in his throat.

 

She gave him a small approving nod before he left, and he felt a new sense of resolve from her approval.

 

—

 

Sonny waited. He never would have said patience was one of his virtues, but he tried. He left coffee with a post-it note for Rafael every morning with the help of Carmen. He brought him lunch whenever he was free to do so and doesn’t insist on staying. He even, on one occasion, delivered a fresh bottle of top shelf scotch because Carmen had tipped him off that he’d finished his last bottle.

 

He offered every minor, non invasive act of kindness he could think of, and slowly but surely, Rafael let him back in again.

 

First, it was invitations to stay and have lunch with him instead of dropping it off. Then it was suggestions of dinners outside of work. Then, finally, he asked Sonny if he wanted to come over.

 

Though he desperately wanted to, Sonny didn’t ask questions. He didn’t demand answers. He didn’t suggest an apology was owed. He figured the invitation was apology enough, the rest would come later, with time, whenever Rafael was ready.

 

“You’re awfully quiet,” Rafael commented, pausing in tracing patterns on Sonny’s chest as he looked up at him.

 

Sonny breathed out heavily, pulling Rafael tighter against his side, relishing in the natural heat of flesh against flesh.

 

“Am I?”

 

“Even right after sex you never seem to shut up,” Rafael said with a fond laugh, propping himself up to meet Sonny’s eyes.

 

“I guess you’ve just worn me out more than usual,” he teased, reaching up to press a kiss to the corner of Rafael’s mouth before settling back down.

 

Rafael stared at him for a long moment, looking as though he was going to ask a question, before he eventually relaxed back down on the bed beside Sonny, questions lost in a breath.

 

He felt an irrational flicker of disappointment, but tramped it down, pressing a kiss to the top of Rafael’s head as he let his eyes flutter closed.

 

Just as he was on the edge of sleep, his consciousness on the line between dream and reality, he felt Rafael shift, just slightly, before a kiss was pressed to his chest.

 

“I’m sorry, mi amor.”

 

Rafael’s breath ghosted across his skin, causing the flesh to raise as he suppressed the urge to react. 

 

A flicker of hope ignited in his chest. A hint of vulnerability, even in sleep, was a step in the right direction.

 

—

 

As the court date grew closer, Sonny could feel the tension forming around them, edging its way between them, turning the air foul. Despite the silence between them again, Sonny showed up to court at every opportunity he had, in support of Rafael just as much as the victim.

 

He could see the tension in Rafael’s body throughout the whole trial, and contemplated offering a massage before he thought it best to keep his distance unless explicitly invited. His heart ached when he heard the tremor in Rafael’s voice as he asked Joanne to describe, in detail, what happened the day her son died.

 

He missed most of what came after, but he made sure to be there when the verdict was read out. He’d heard from Liv that the defence had put forward a good case, using his own wife’s original reluctance in his favour. 

 

Still, when the ‘not guilty’ verdict was read out, Sonny was part of the shocked collective intake of breath, his heart plummet as he watched Rafael stand, jaw twitching, hand clenching, as he made his way out of the courtroom, pushing through everyone else in his need to escape.

 

Sonny excused himself, making his way to Rafael’s office before he could think better of it. He knew he’d be there, scotch in hand, but he hadn’t quite expected the smell to hit him as hard as it did when he let himself into the ADA’s office.

 

“Fumigating?” Sonny joked weakly, bouncing on the balls of his feet, then back to his heels, hands shoved in his pockets.

 

“Why are you here?” Rafael muttered, voice hoarse as he tore at the tie around his neck, tugging it loose, but not off completely.

 

Sonny watched as a shaky hand came up to undo the top two buttons, watched as he grabbed his too-full glass, watched as he took a large mouthful.

 

“Raf--“

 

“Leave.”

 

It was an order; direct, strong, full of all the power Rafael Barba had in him. It could make the strongest of men waver, on the brink of obeying. But not Sonny. Not today.

 

“No,” he said softly, leaning against the doorframe.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“No.”

 

“Get. Out. Of. My. Office,” Rafael ground out, eyes dark and dangerous, and just a little red-rimmed and watery.

 

“No,” Sonny repeated softly, pressing off the wall to walk towards the lounge.

 

“Don’t,” Rafael warned, hand raised as a barrier between them, voice trembling just slightly.

 

Sonny paused, standing just on the other side of the coffee table.

 

“You did the best you could.”

 

“I let a wife beater, a child killer, walk free,” Rafael spat, expression pure venom before it crumbled, his lips turning downward and his eyes growing wide.

 

“You did the best you could.”

 

“No. I should have done more.”

 

Sonny sighed, at a loss for words, unsure if it was safe for him to close the distance between them yet.

 

“Why are you here?” Rafael repeated after refilling his glass, the lights from the street outside catching on the amber liquid.

 

“Because you need me.”

 

Rafael scoffed, rubbing a hand over his face. “No I don’t.”

 

“Yeah, you do,” Sonny insisted, making to move around the coffee table.

 

“Leave,” he mumbled, hand coming up to halt his movements again.

 

“Please don’t make me,” Sonny whispered, voice shaking just slightly.

 

They shared a long, drawn out, uncomfortable silence. Long enough for Rafael to finish two more drinks, and for Sonny to take the bottle off him, placing it back in its drawer.

 

“You’re wasted on me,” Rafael finally whispered, sounding small and defeated.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You’re all…,” he paused, gesturing towards Sonny as he found the words, “sunshine and happiness. Your heart is ten sizes too big and you welcome people into it instead of crushing under the weight of it. You’re too good for me. I’m a bitter old man, and I’ll never be good enough for you.”

 

“You’re plenty good enough for me,” Sonny whispered, itching to be close. “You’re everything to me, Raf. If I have to wait an eternity, I will.”

 

“Please don’t.”

 

“Can’t help it,” he said with a wet laugh, rubbing at the back of his neck. “You’ve etched your way in to my life. There’s no one else like you.”

 

“I should hope not,” he said with a sad smile, eyes shining in the dim light. “You deserve better.”

 

“Maybe,” Sonny conceded, taking a tentative seat on the far end of the lounge. When Rafael didn’t complain, he inched a little closer. “But I want you.”

 

“I don’t know if I can give you all of me,” Rafael said softly, voice shaky as he turned his face away from Sonny.

 

“That’s okay.”

 

“It’s not though, is it?”

 

“I’m here. I’ll be here, always. Whenever you need me. Whether you ask for me or not. I’m here.” Sonny closed the gap between them, thighs and arms touching. “You don’t have to be infallible in front of me.”

 

Sonny felt his vision blur at the helpless, terrified look Rafael gave him, before his tears spilled over. His hand twitched with the urge to reach out, but before he could decide whether or not it was a good idea, Rafael grabbed both his hands tight, squeezing.

 

“I love you, Rafael Barba,” Sonny whispered, choking out a laugh that sounded embarrassingly like a sob.

 

Rafael hummed softly, giving him a pained smile before cupping his cheeks, thumbs tracing his tear tracks.

 

“Come home with me,” he whispered before pressing a light, chaste kiss to the corner of Sonny’s mouth.

 

He looked shy, and Sonny could see from his startlingly open expression just how terrified he was, though he wasn’t entirely sure what of.

 

“Of course,” he whispered, leaning in to press their foreheads together. “Of course.”


End file.
